i like to read. i take that back. i love to read. but i haven’t been doing it as much lately. not much at all. maybe perezhilton.com or the us weekly that keeps coming to our apartment. but nothing good for me. my bible gets opened for reference, but has been missing the study time it used to receive. (which is an issue in and of itself) yet there is one book i have been reading. it’s henri nouwen’s life of the beloved. we’ve been going through it in bible study and it’s been a real blessing. henri talks about being in that place where we can accept our belovedness and let it permeate into everything and everywhere we are. he goes into a beautiful description of being the beloved, but what i find in his book is a challenge to me: “From the moment we claim the truth of being the Beloved, we are faced with the call to become who we are.” and i think that here is my problem: God’s love for me is not something i have doubted. when i first knew him, i knew He loved me. but fully grasping what that means is something else entirely. so the same is His call to me. getting that wrapped around my heart, around my head, is something that is being worked on now. so i find myself at the beginning of the trailhead again. i know what’s up ahead because i’ve been there, but for some reason, i’ve found myself at the start again. “i can only look for something that i have, to some degree, already found. how can i search for beauty and truth unless that beauty and truth are already known to be in the depth of my heart?” – nouwen. i know Truth. i know what it means to me, but again i am searching to find that place where it’s ingrained in who i am and in turn pours out of me to bring Truth to His Beloved. which is everyone and every one. and i think from there i will hear His call a bit louder and with more understanding.